Finding Peace--Even during miscarriage & Almost loosing the first man I ever loved

1/1/2013

I am a fan of the new year.

I buy into the idea of a fresh beginning.  A new start.

I think most people are.  A "reset" if you will.  No better time then to kick off my happiness project.

As discussed, this month I am focusing on bringing more peace into my life.  I couldn't have choose a more appropriate theme.  The past few days have been a roller coaster ride of emotions.  My grandfather is having some major health issues that landed him in ICU and a medically induced coma.  This has shaken my world.  I know some day, I will have to face loosing my grandparents and even my parents.  It is the whole, circle of life stuff we were taught from Lion King, right?  But not yet.  I am not ready.  I need more time.   This is the first man that taught me it is okay and safe to love a man.   Dad's walking out on daughters can have catastrophic affects.  But I had a loving, honorable grandfather that showed me that real men have honor (and step father too, I was one VERY VERY lucky young lady growing up).  Real men take care of their responsibility.  Real men don't walk out.  Real men take naps in their lazy boys with their granddaughters asleep on their lap.  Real men teach their grand babies really awesome stuff like how to work a computer and how to speak Spanish (even though I am still far from fluent)--but the lesson being NEVER stop learning.  Real men cook 5 grand kids lunch, and can't keep up when said grand kids are eating fried potatoes faster than he could cook them.  Real men serve rocky road ice cream at 2 o'clock in the afternoon.  I have received enough love from the man I call my grandpa, to last me a life time.  And I am not ready to give him back to God.  I want to listen to his stories more.  I want to help him when he now has questions on technology.  I want my daughter to know his love, so when I speak fondly of my childhood and memories of him, she knows.

So when I hear stuff like hemorrhaging; critical; main line; transfusions;coma---I ugly faced sobbed.  I seriously thought there was no chance.  Now I hear there is a chance.  We have progress and hope.  But the woods are still thick.  And there are a lot of unknowns.  But if love can bring people back from the edge of death--I have enough of it for my grandpa that he may just be immortal.  But life doesn't work that way.   So we wait.

Peace.  Through this, God blessed me with peace.  Rewind just a second.  I think people throw statements like that around too often.  The use the word "blessed" too often and take it too lightly.  I don't use this term lightly.  So please know, when I share this--I mean this with all my heart.  God gave me peace and comfort that could only come from Him.

The very same day things got ugly with my grandpa, I started to miscarry.  The two are not related what so ever.  And I had a good week and a half heads up that this was something I was probably going to be facing.  So I had come to peace with this not being a viable pregnancy long before the bleeding began.  But it was just emotionally overwhelming.  I lay in bed that morning, my heart in so much pain I had no will to move.  When God's overwhelming comfort and peace came over me.  I ripped myself from bed, threw on a pad--and moved forward.  That day, God moved a mountain.

I do not believe God made me miscarry.  I don't believe "everything happens for a reason".  We have free will so life happens.  15-30% of pregnancies end this way.  Not because God hand selects women to feel this profound lost, but because the biology sometimes simply fails.  Nature is merciful and when something goes wrong, the pregnancy terminates.  God did not choose this for me.  It just happened.  But He does comfort me when I ask.  He does give me peace.  And when He asked for me to rejoice always, he meant even now.  So even now, as my heart hurts for my grandfather who is in pain.  Even now, when I am bleeding out what could have been my second child.  Morbid maybe, but I felt like it would have been a boy.  He would have been due right around my brother's birthday.  I am not sure if that means I will have a little soul in heaven waiting for his Mom or not.  I am not sure how this stuff works and at what "point" in pregnancy a soul is designated "to" me.  But I can't dwell on these things. Instead I have to rejoice in the lord always.  I will try not to be anxious for anything and continue to turn to God in prayer and thanksgiving.  Because God is faithful--and God provided me with Peace....and it is only day 1...

Please pray for my Grandpa.  I am not ready to give him up.  I know that is such a selfish wish when I know heaven awaits him.  And if I could truly comprehend heaven, I wouldn't selfishly want to keep him on this world.  But I am a human.  I am imperfect.  and I don't want to let him go yet.  And if he does go.  I pray that the child I lost today ( I am almost certain I finally passed the "tissue" today)--that he has a great-grandchild in heaven with him.  Because that thought, also brings me peace.